Can't Rule My Own Life

My whole January is terrible. I can't fix up everything. I messed up in everything I did. Even sometimes I don't want to see the world.it is better for me to lock down myself on my own room. Everything is so much terrible for me now. I realized that it is the effec of my laziness in few months lately. Well, I told you!! I am not such a good man in a good situation, and I have never been good. I am pretending to be good, you know!!

 
 

I need songs. I need movies. I need books. I need many other things to set my whole own life again. I need a little run. I need exercise. I need to talk. I need a woman. I need a hug. I need to cry.  I need many other things except one: being not myself.

I am Offering You Apologies

I am offering you apologies. ….

It is suffering me every time I see things in purple or violet. I remember RumahUngu, I remember you. I remember every mistakes I made, very lies I said. I just guilty after all, I confess it!! I am sorry.

 
 

I am offering you apologies….

For every mistakes I made, I will pay it with truth. For every lies I said, I will pay it with honesty. What else can I give? For every questions, I will present you every little answer of it. Just give me chance to say, "I am guilty."

 
 

I am offering you apologies….

Because I can not stand still any longer with these anger you blame me. I have nowhere to run anymore. It is true that I don't know what I've got 'til it's gone. Ahh…. It just…. It's…. I am speechless. I know now how deep the words mean. I am sorry.

 
 

I am offering you apologies….

And if these are not enough for you to forgive me, I will offer it in every other life chance I meet with you.

The Day Has Turned Tomorrow

3.40 after midnight. I play my playlist all nigh long, but I can not sleep yet. It is suffering me.

 
 

Day has turned to Saturday, to a new day, but I still can't close my eyes. I don't know, I hope I don't have to see the dawn comes and breaks. If I do, well…. Something's totally wrong about me. I was thinking, what did I think about? Who? Why? But, I found no answers. It just that I couldn't close those both eyes, heart; the same as I couldn't close the days with all good surrounding. Well, still much time before dawn comes. My back is suffering, my eyes is tired, my neck is killing me, But it is my mind that can not stop thinking: THINKING ABOUT NOTHING. What the h***!!

B-E-A-U-tiful Day

Tiap hari adalah indah jika Allah SWT bersamamu,

Jika malaikat mendoakanmu,

Jika senandungal-Wuran memberimu semangat,

Jika kerinduan pada Allah SWT jadi penghiburmu,

Maka persembahkan yang t'(…)

 
 

It was cut there. Hhh,.. What's in h** heart now? It is something great, I think. I just can not imagine how great the gift that has been dropped by the sky into h** heart. I can't imagine. Can not.

 
 

Wake up and then say alhamdulillah!

Coz every single syukur you praise to Allah,

Will drop an unbelivable gift in return.

Say it: Alhamdulillah?

Desire and Process

Semalam, kamu banyak memberiKu banyak kebijakan seputar keinginan. These are what you sent to me when I asked you about 'the things that had made you wiser':

Cuma baru nyadar,

Kadang,

apa yang kita inginkan gak sama dengan apa yang kita suka

Apa yang dibutuhin gak sama dengan yang terbaik untuk kita

Tapi, gak jarang kita malah keras kepala mengakuinya.

 
 

Yah, benar bahwasanya Allah selalu menggariskan yang terbaik buat kita. Namun, kita pun selalu diberi kesempatan seluas-luasnya untuk meminta --berdoa, tepatnya-- hal-hal yang dalam persepsi kita adalah yang terbaik. Toh, kita masih harus melaluijalan yang berat untuk meraih hal terbaik itu. Pada akhirnya, bisa saja kita meraih kebaikan yang lebih melimpah daripada apa yang kita inginkan di awalnya. Semua itu karena proses berat yang kita jalani tadi. Mengimpikan, meminta, berdoa, berusaha. Usaha kita pun rasanya tidak akan main-main kalau kita mengejar yang terbaik. Lari, melompat, terjatuh, bangkit, lari lagi, merangak, merayap, tiarap, berdarah-darah, terluka, tersayat, patah, remuk redam, apa pun!! Semua itu proses yang indah, yang seringkali memberikan kebaikan dan kebijakan baru dalam kehidupan kita. Memberikan satu warna baru di horizon kehidupan yang putih bersih.

 
 

Apa salahnya menginginkan yang paling baik menurut kita? Kita berhak qok untuk itu! Bukan egois. Ibrahim as. yang sudah tua pun masih terus menginginkan yang paling baik menurutnya: anak yang soleh. Doa Ibrahim as. tiada henti disenandungkan. Seperti tak mengenal putaran bumi yang silih berganti mengantarkan gelap dan menjemput terang, tetap saja Ibrahim as. Berdoa: "Robbi hab lii min ash-shoolihiin". Toh, Inrahim as. menikmati proses itu sebagai sebuah kebaikan: kedekatan yag lebih intens kepada Robb-nya, dan sebuah kebijakan: tak ada yang ustahil bagi Robb-nya. Toh , pada akhirnya Allah memberikan yang jauh lebih baik. Ingat: "yang jauh lebih baik", bukan "yang lain yang lebih baik". Artinya, keinginan Ibrahim as. yang semula dengan proses mendekatkan diri secara luar biasa dibalas dengan keinginan yang sama, namun nilainya lebih berharga, ada nilai tambah di situ: "fa basysyarnaahu bighulaamin haliim". Wow!! Subhanallah!! Ibrahim as. Meminta keturuna yang 'sholih', Allah memberikan tidak sekedar 'sholih', tapi juga 'halim' (santun). Ah!! Kenapatah kita masih saja lupa untuk belajar dari Ibrahim as..

 
 

Intinya, tak ada yangsalah dengan keinginan kita. Masalah terletak pada proses kita meraihnya dan itu menentukan hasilnya: better or worse.

about choices

Bayu Panji Permono: ian
luvdontwait: ??
Bayu Panji Permono: gw jarang keliat lo kumpul BP
Bayu Panji Permono: emang kenapa?
luvdontwait: kan lagiaktif di luar.
luvdontwait: they need me more
Bayu Panji Permono: tapi bukan itu pointnya
Bayu Panji Permono: lo khan punya tanggung jawab juga
Bayu Panji Permono: emang ada yang salah dengan BP ini?
luvdontwait: MTI n KAMMI treated me differently
luvdontwait: I can run,but I can’t hide [MTI]
luvdontwait: I can run,I can hide, but i can’t escape [KAMMI]
Bayu Panji Permono: terus punya solusi?
luvdontwait: what do you think th differences??
Bayu Panji Permono: gw ngerasa lo jadi lari dari tanggung jawab?
luvdontwait: memang
luvdontwait: dangw gak akan nyangkal
luvdontwait: sometimes, I’m proud of it
luvdontwait: I am BP, and I was run
Bayu Panji Permono: berarti lo nyerah atau gimana?
luvdontwait: I told everybody about it
Bayu Panji Permono: mending lo ngomong
luvdontwait: hhhh,…
luvdontwait: i just can : hhhhh,…
Bayu Panji Permono: daripada gak jelas kayak gini
luvdontwait: ngomong yang mananya??
luvdontwait: semua blumjelasgitudimata BPlain??
luvdontwait: i ran, i hide,..
luvdontwait: i never come back,..
Bayu Panji Permono: emang lo pernah ngomong secara langsung
luvdontwait: A FAMILY ALWAYS FEEL WHAT THE OTHER FEELS, EVEN IF THEY ARE IN A DARK ROOM WITH NO LIGHT AND NO TALKS
luvdontwait: I don’t good in speaking
Bayu Panji Permono: tapi berdiam diri juga gak baik
Bayu Panji Permono: mungkin orang lain tau ada sesuatu yang gak beres
Bayu Panji Permono: tetapi sesuatu itu bisa punya banyak arti
Bayu Panji Permono: untuk memperjelasnya perlu ada konfirmasi dari yang bersangkutan
Bayu Panji Permono: actually, “I’m not good in speaking”
luvdontwait: BP talked to me several times,..
luvdontwait: but I didn’t feel like they were talking with heart,..
Bayu Panji Permono: tapi ada baiknya ketika semua keluarga (BP) berkumpul bersama dan mendengarkan statement dari anda
luvdontwait: asked where had I been,..
luvdontwait: did I had problems,..
Bayu Panji Permono: mungkin kita bisa membahasnya bareng2
luvdontwait: what kind of statement do we need??
luvdontwait: I do no goodin speaking
Bayu Panji Permono: kejelasan
Bayu Panji Permono: tentang sikap anda
luvdontwait: whatkind of clearness??
luvdontwait: kind of: I TAKE THIS MTIFI OR NOT,..
luvdontwait: like that??
Bayu Panji Permono: up to you
luvdontwait: Unfortunately, it is not just about me,..
luvdontwait: it is about a larger hopes,..
luvdontwait: a longer path,..
Bayu Panji Permono: oke gini aja
luvdontwait: go on,…
Bayu Panji Permono: lo mau ngomong terus terang ke anak2 bp
Bayu Panji Permono: atau dibiarin gini aja dan membiarkan anak2 berpikir jelek terhadap anda?
luvdontwait: I’ll take the second option, while I still need a little more time to think
luvdontwait: you may disappointed,..
luvdontwait: but,…
luvdontwait: there is always a consequence in every choice we’ve made
Bayu Panji Permono: oke
Bayu Panji Permono: coba dipikir lagi deh
Bayu Panji Permono: anda terkesan kurang gentle

Take Your Time

Take time to think,
it is the source of all power.

Take time to read,
it is the fountain of wisdom.

Take time to play,
it is the source of perpetual youth.

Take time to be quiet,
it is the opportunity to seek God.

Take time to be aware,
it is the opportunity to help others.

Take time to love and be loved,
it is God-given priviledge.

Take time to laugh,
it is the music of the soul.

Take time to be friendly,
it is the road to happiness.

Take time to dream,
it is what the future is made of.

Take time to pray,
it is the greatest power on earth.

Take time to give,
it is too short a day to be selfish.

Take time to work,
it is the price of success.